


'The Fast Show' Review: 'The Last Fast Show Ever'

by AutisticWriter



Series: Meta [7]
Category: The Fast Show
Genre: British Comedy, Canon Dialogue, Episode Review, Episode: The Last Fast Show Ever Part 1, Episode: The Last Fast Show Ever Part 2, Episode: The Last Fast Show Ever Part 3, Gen, Meta, Reviews, Sketch Shows, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-28 00:10:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10819644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticWriter/pseuds/AutisticWriter
Summary: A review of the three part special, 'The Last Fast Show Ever', of British sketch show 'The Fast Show'.





	1. Part 1

The Last Fast Show Ever: Part 1

Airdate: 26th December 2000

 

* * *

 

Sketches

Open on a shot of outer space. The camera zooms in, revealing the planet Earth. It zooms in further, and ends up focusing on a man’s head. The man leans his head back and looks at the camera. “You ain’t seen me, right?” he says and the camera zooms out again.

Fade into the opening credits.

We then see the 13th Duke of Wybourne standing in front of a woman, whose legs are splayed as she lies on a hospital bed. He wonders how, given his reputation, he ended up in this situation, before sinking down off screen.

A breathless man runs into a pub. He is dressed in a burned space suit and is covered in soot. He asks where he is, what the year is and who the president is, before screaming and running out of the room.

At the side of a lake, the Competitive Dad and his son Peter set up their fishing equipment. He shows off that he has a much better quality fishing rod, and he won’t let Peter use it. He then makes a rather weak joke, but when Peter tries to tell him a joke he heard at school, he tells him to be quiet.

Louis Balfour smokes a cigarette (and coughs) as he presents Jazz Club. He tells the audience about the death of Smoke Stacksman, a jazz legend, and lists off the rather long names of his albums. He then has enough of ‘dead jazz’ and turns to living jazz – and invites The Boxwell Heath Archery Club onto the set. However, it soon becomes apparent that they are just an archery club, and have no more idea why they’re here than Louis does. The archers then ‘play’ a tune by firing their arrows at the musical instruments, creating some very strange noises.

A man opens his front door to find Chris the Crafty Cockney on his doorstep. Chris tries to sell him his ‘millennial break-in service’, and lists off the options he can have for his personalised burglary plan. The first is the deluxe option: “For that, I just do your motor.” The second is the gold service: “For that, I do a full security survey, inside and out... That way I don’t do any damage when I get in, I don’t disturb you and I don’t get shot.” Finally, there is the platinum service: “For that, I make sure that my mate Vernon don’t shit in your bed.”

On Channel 9, Alain Tit-tit-tittytitmarsh presents Groundo Forco. He chats to the camera about plants, and, whilst his friend Herman lays paving slabs, a topless woman pushes a wheelbarrow onto the set.

Jesse comes out of his shed, and tells the camera that today’s experiment is holding his breath until he faints. Jesse takes a deep breath and goes back into his shed. A few seconds later we hear a thud.

Swiss Toni arrives back at the office. He tells Paul that he’s accepted the bad things that have happened to him, because he has been to therapy. He goes to compare having therapy to making love to beautiful woman, but stops himself, because he has learned that he has to stop comparing things to that – only to immediately do just that. He has also learned that women are also people, and that there is a balance of masculine and feminine in everyone. Swiss Toni then mentions that he is in touch with his feminine side, which means that he’s wearing ladies’ underwear.

Back at the lake, Competitive Dad and Peter are still fishing. Peter gets a bite, and his father pulls the rod off of him and tries to reel in the fish. And when the fish gets away, he blames Peter.

Archie approaches a man in the pub, and says, “You black, are you?” He proceeds to tell the man that he was black himself, thirty years, man and boy, recounting the things that supposedly happened to him. The man isn’t convinced, and Archie admits that he was making it up to make conversation, because he didn’t think the man would like fishing or Frank Sinatra. The man says that he likes Sinatra, and Archie offers the man a drink. Archie goes to the bar and the man immediately hurries off. Realising that the man is gone, Archie looks dejected for a few seconds, before approaching a young woman and saying, “You a woman, are you?”

Two men are sat in a field, chatting and smoking cigarettes. One asks what the other thinks about pashminas. The other man’s reply: “They’re all old bollocks.” He then asks what he thinks about Fabien Barthez, and gets the same reply.

At the perfume counter in a department store, a man is approached by a woman, who asks him if he wants to try “a splash of Syrup by Terry Wogan”. The man replies that he doesn’t wear a wig, and the woman mentions that he should consider wearing one, as he is beginning to “gleam”. When he says he doesn’t mind that he’s going bald, she snaps that a man who doesn’t wear a wig doesn’t deserve female attention – before supposing that he might be gay. And, of course, she finishes her tirade of insults with “no offense.”

Bob Fleming coughs as he presents the last ever episode of Country Matters. He tries to have a conversation with his guest, Harold Laaby, but between his coughs and Harold’s verbal tics (which involve him barking three times and shouting “cocksucker!”), they don’t get very far. Bob then laments that his friends haven’t come along for his last show, only for them to enter the set, carrying a cake and a glass vase for him. As they all cough and tic and sneeze and burp and fart, they accidentally throw what they are holding up in the air, leading to them all throwing the objects between each other. Eventually, Bob decides to put the vase down before someone breaks it, only for it to smash as he drops it on the table.

A man is standing on a high ledge when he the astronaut hurries up to him. The astronaut asks him his usual questions, before jumping off the ledge when he gets no answer.

A man, dressed in full hiking gear, walks down a country lane when he is approached by a man dressed like a scarecrow. The man asks him if he is lost, and doesn’t listen when the hiker tells him he knows what he’s doing. The man tells him he should be fearful, because there are lots of dangerous animals on his path, including dogs, owls and badgers. The hiker tells him they can’t hurt him when he has his warning hooter, and demonstrates how the hooter works. The man then points out the threat of ‘slithering things’, because they are often deaf. He starts to yell about various weird and nonexistent creatures that could attack the hiker, at which point the hiker blows his hooter. He walks away, leaving the man frozen in place.

We then see a trailer for the film ‘It’s a Right Royal Cockney Barrel of Monkeys’. The trailer features an assortment of loud, aggressive gangsters who spend most of their time calling each other ‘mug’ and ‘slag’. Other than fights, there doesn’t seem to be much plot.

At the lake, Peter catches his sixth fish. His father blames this on him having a better section of lake than him, and makes them swop fishing rods – and also mentions that his fishing rod must not be working properly.

Colin Hunt harasses a Big Issue seller. Every time the man says “Big Issue”, Colin responds with “bless you”. The man gets annoyed and asks him to stop, only for Colin to respond next time with “gesundheit”. The man punches him in the face.

The Posh Cockneys recite quotes from the ‘It’s a Right Royal Cockney Barrel of Monkeys’ trailer in their extremely posh accents, and decide that they have ‘out-Cockneyed’ the lot of them.

In Australia, Carl Hooper presents _That’s Amazing!_ He is joined by Brian Ferry, a man wearing a very fake-looking beard. Brian realises his name is very similar to the member of Roxy Music, but is spelt differently. Brian shows Carl his amazing object (a loaf of bread that never goes stale), which reminds Carl of Davy Monroe and his everlasting pen. As he says how much he hates Davy, Brian looks anxious and insists that he isn’t him. Brian shows Carl his loaf of bread, and it turns out that he only bought it a couple of days ago. Sussing him out, Carl pulls beard off, revealing that Brian is actually Davy. Carl sounds irritated to see him, but Davy cheerfully says hello and tells Carl that he loves him. Carl calls security and yells at him to go away, and Davy leaves, thanking Carl for touching his bread.

The hiker is being chased through a field by the man, who is still yelling warnings about the dangerous creatures. The hiker freezes him several times with his hooter and runs away, but the man continues to follow after him.

The Competitive Dad yells at the fish in the lake whilst Peter catches yet another fish. When Peter mentions that there can’t be anything wrong with his fishing rod, his father storms over and snaps the rod in half. He storms off, and tells Peter to bring all of their equipment with him.

On the set of a film, the production team discuss Chip the Stuntman, and how his hearing is worse than ever. One of them approaches him as he sits in his car, and tells him “We’ll give you a call when you’re needed.” Chip somehow hears this as, “Drive the car like a maniac, wreck the motor and turn the production office into a fireball!” To everyone’s horror, Chip speeds his car towards the office and crashes into it, making it explode with flames.

Johnny and Katie are sat in a meadow as they paint the scenery. They discuss the sheep in the distance, and Johnny begins to sing ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep’, only to be cut off by Katie, who insists that he was actually singing ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’. Johnny tries to correct her, but Katie tells him to think about the twinkling star up in the sky, against all of the... “Black!” Johnny yells, and he descends into his bizarre, destructive routine. Katie sighs and suggests that they go home.

Patrick Nice is taking photographs in a studio as he tells the camera an anecdote. Apparently, when he was playing golf, a little rabbit popped out of one of the holes and bade them good morrow... “Which was nice.”

Ted is chopping wood in the grounds of the big house when he is approached by Ralph – who happens to be completely naked except for his hat. He mentions that something embarrassing has happened whilst Ted looks very awkward and rather embarrassed. Ralph proceeds to tell Ted the story of how he lost his clothing, which involves a swarm of bees, an angry dog and a goose. A bee buzzes past Ralph and he swats at it; whilst his arms are up, Ted looks at his groin and his eyes widen. Ralph asks Ted for his spare set of keys, but it turns out that Ted dropped them in the lower field and lost them. Ralph mentions that they have a bit of a dilemma, and Ted says they have a bit of a pickle. Ralph supposes that they shall think of something if they put their heads together.

A woman orders a drink in a pub and gets chatting to Billy Bleach. He tells her that he is always in this pub, except for Christmas and Glastonbury (he does a lot of burglaries that weekend). Billy asks to borrow her lip balm, and then puts on some moisturiser as he tells her an anecdote about his childhood. He asks her why she is in the pub, and she tells him she is looking for sex. Billy comments that that isn’t very nice, and begins to panic as she flirts with him. Panicking, he runs away.

Jesse comes out of his shed. He tells the camera that for today’s experiment he will be dangling his knob in blancmange, before going back into his shed.

Rowley Birkin is sat in front of a roaring fire as he rambles about various things that happened to him. He mentions that his friend got him drunk on absinthe, which apparently led to some very strange and exciting situations. He continues to mumble on randomly about something bad that happened, and, whilst everyone else was crying, he found it all very funny. But then, of course he was very, very drunk.

The hiker is still being chased through a field by the man. He blows his hooter again, but it only freezes him for a few seconds.

In a tailors’, an American man asks Ken to help him find a suit. Ken is more interested in the fact the man is American, and if he has shagged anyone yet. Kenneth joins in, mentioning how during the War the Americans were “in like a shot”. He doesn’t mean in the fighting, because they were a couple of years late for that, but in the “humping”. The two tailors start to ramble on about Americans and sex, asking the man how many women he has had sex with. The man eventually gets sick of them and asks them to “just build me a fucking suit.”

And then the closing credits begin. As the credits roll, we see three more sketches: the two men discussing the Blair Witch Project (“it’s old bollocks”); Ted and Ralph coming out of Ted’s cottage (Ralph is dressed in an identical outfit to Ted, and looks very pleased); and Ken and Kenneth asking the American man if they would like to come to their gentlemen’s club.

 

* * *

 

Rating

The Last Fast Show Ever is a very good special, showing that the show’s quality hasn’t decreased after several series (which is rare, especially in comedy). The first part of the special contains some of my all time favourite sketches, including the _That’s Amazing!_ sketch and the sketch with Ted and Ralph (which is both funny and very awkward), and is consistently very high in quality.

Overall, this episode is one of my favourites, so, therefore, I rate it 10/10.


	2. Part 2

The Last Fast Show Ever Part 2

Airdate: 27th December 2000

* * *

 

Sketches

Open on a group of hyperactive, young adults preparing to watch TV. Two of them discuss their supplies, only to panic when they realise they forgot the Cheesy Peas. A man walks in with two tubs of Cheesy Peas (“Ta-da!”) and they all quickly sit down and start enjoying themselves. The scene then freezes, and a picture of a tub of Cheesy Peas appears on screen as a voiceover says, “’The Fast Show’ – brought to you by Cheesy Peas.”

Fade into the opening credits.

Several women are browsing in a clothing shop. A very thin woman exits the changing room wearing a tiny dress. She asks the Insecure Woman if her bum looks big in the dress. Her reply: “Yeah, it does, actually.”

Two men are sat in a field, chatting and smoking. The topics they discuss include: organic farming (“That’s all old bollocks.”), Obsession by Calvin Klein (“That’s old bollocks.”) and “them jeans with that twisty seam in them” (“They’re all old bollocks.”).

Louis Balfour smokes a cigarette as he presents _Jazz Club._ He mentions that there are many langues in the world (but is only able to name French and English), but jazz speaks to everyone. He then mentions that tonight they are the “general council of the United Nations of Jazz”, as they have both a Finnish and a Cuban group playing. The Cuban band is then introduced as Dr Howe, and we see them play. Their music is actually very good considering what they usually get on Jazz Club, but they have a slight problem – as they play, they get shot and killed by arrows, until only a couple of them are left. Louis rushes onto the stage, moaning that this is the third band this week killed by the archers, who he thought they had got rid of.

In a restaurant, a couple are talking together across a table. The husband promises that he will love her for his whole life, and that he will never even look at another woman. At another table, an old woman turns her head and gives him a very sarcastic, “Ha!”

In the commentary box, the presenter chats to Ron and Tommy about the high transfer costs for footballers these days – and mentions that Ron’s ambitions must have been simpler. He then says that it’s amazing to think of all of Ron’s companies and commercial success. Ron tries to say about when he was a younger man, but Tommy cuts him off, mentioning that Ron was never young. Ron knows everyone is used to him being old, but he was indeed a young man, and before that, a small boy – at which point his voice starts to shake. Ron gets back on track and says he sympathises with the young players of today and the threat of being led astray by temptations. The presenter adds that Ron played in a more innocent age, to which Ron says he one took acid with Jimi Hendrix. The presenter says that they don’t want to send that message to young people, and Ron agrees, and adds that he knows from personal experience that taking LSD doen’t enhance your football skills. The presenter mentions that he was actually talking about steroids – to which Tommy mentions that he once took steroids on a night out, and they didn’t get him high at all. The presenter looks exasperated and starts talking about the match again. However, Ron and Tommy are preoccupied by the image of Ron and Hendrix taking acid. Ron mentions he wouldn’t believe the memory himself if it wasn’t for the flashbacks; he says about how he gets sudden images of swirling colours, and wonders if they are trying to send him a message. Getting quite worked up, Ron interprets the message: “Ka-sproosh-lee!”

We then see a trailer from ERAS films of the new ‘Long Big Punch-up’ movie: ‘The Long Big Punch-up V – Gladiator’. Just like the previous movies, it involves two men fighting endlessly, except this time they use swords instead of their fists. Just like the name suggests, it goes on and on.

In Colin Hunt’s living room, Colin shows Doreen his flight simulator as Doreen sits in the armchair. Colin starts to go through the safety procedures when he notices Doreen doesn’t look very happy. The problem is that Doreen assumed that Colin was really going to take her to the Seychelles, not just pretend to take her using the simulator. Colin assures her that his flight simulator is a lot more fun that a real plane; although Doreen doesn’t see the fun in doing nothing for eleven hours. Colin then switches to steward-mode, gesturing camply and using crap innuendo. As Colin tells a joke, a happier Doreen says that this is more fun than a real plane – only for Colin to snappily ask her to put her seatbelt on.

Jesse comes out of his shed with thick bandages on both of his hands. He tells the camera that today’s experiment was, “Holding on for too long.” He then goes back into the shed, struggling slightly with the handle.

In a tailors’, a young man is approached by Ken, who tells him to make the most of having a “high, tight scrotum”, because it won’t stay like that forever, and will be between his knees in a few decades. The young man changes the subject by asking him for a suit, and mentioning that he’s never bought a suit before. Ken mentions that buying your first suit is a right of passage towards becoming a man. Appearing out of nowhere, Kenneth asks the young man if he likes older women. The two tailors start to discuss older women and their attractiveness, whilst the young man stands between them awkwardly. They then shove the young man into a chair. He stands up, saying that he only wants a suit – but Ken and Kenneth push him back down and assure him that, in their experience, “Nobody only wants a suit.”

Back in the arena, the two gladiators are still fighting. One of them pushes the other off screen and begins to celebrate, only for the other to run back towards him and smash him over the head with a mace.

In his lab, Denzil Dexter mentions that people are often frightened of science – “Well, they’re frightened of me and Dave, anyway,” he says as he acts creepily.

As ‘Moonlight Shadow’ plays, Dave Angel walks down a country lane. Dave parks his car outside a woman’s house and starts to chat to a woman who had been gardening. He shows her the organic produce he has in the boot of his car (which includes the head of a deer) and mentions how he rammed someone’s car because they were using leaded fuel. Dave’s wife Shirley asks Dave how long he will be, because she wants to go to McDonalds. She also wonders why Dave can’t just sell normal sausages, because no one likes the ones he sells. Dave snaps that you’re not supposed to like them, because they’re healthy. As Shirley gets back in the car, Dave asks the woman if she’s interested in another of their alternative lifestyles – swinging.

The 13th Duke of Wybourne wonders how he became the agony correspondent at a teen magazine given his reputation. He then smiles disturbingly and mentions that he can “almost smell their tears.”

Back in Colin’s living room, Colin asks Doreen to return to her seat and fasten her seatbelt. Doreen (after pressing the nonexistent bell) asks if she can go to the toilet, but Colin says she can’t, because they’re experiencing turbulence. Doreen snaps at him and he lets her get up and go to the loo.

In Australia, Carl Hooper presents _That’s Amazing!_ His guest is Snoop Garner, who shows Carl his invention, the Human Hand Fan. Unfortunately, all this involves is Snoop waving his hands in front of Carl’s face. Pissed off, Carl slaps him. Snoop them shows Carl a really hairy piece of string, which Carl somehow finds fascinating.

In a pub, a woman chats to the barmaid about her young son. Archie decides to join in the conversation, telling them about how he was a young mother himself, “Thirty years, man and woman.” Archie then goes through the gross things that happen to you during and after being pregnant, whilst the two women look bored. Archie then looks rather melancholy as he ponders what life is really all about, because he still has no idea. Archie bites his lip as he tells them he can’t go fishing anymore, because someone stole his equipment. And then he tells them that he often thinks about committing suicide, except the words of Frank Sinatra keep coming back to him in his hour of need. He starts to sing ‘High Hopes’, only to trail off when he realises that neither of them are listening.

As _The Fast Show_ plays on their TV, the people from the Cheesy Peas advert finish their tubs of the product. They yell for the woman out in the hallway to get them some more Cheesy Peas for them while she’s up – and the woman yells back that she’s “having a piss!”

The two men are stood in the middle of the field now, leaning on their equipment as they smoke and discuss the internet (“It’s old bollocks, innit?”) and Sushi. They stop when Ralph approaches them, asking them if Ted is any better. He says how nice it is for them to help out while Ted is off sick, because he finds “looking after the gardens a bit of an uphill struggle.” They comment that Ralph is “a bit of an uphill gardener.” This leads to them using thinly-veiled homophobic slurs whilst Ralph remains oblivious, thinking they are being nice to them. As the three of them walk off, they tell Ralph that he has an infestation of beetles... We then cut to Ted listening to the radio in bed. Ralph phones in and asks if they know the name of the beetles known as “grass bandits”. Realising what has happened, Ted groans and gets out of bed.

At the hospital, a doctor chats to an old woman about how her mobility will improve after her hip replacement surgery. When he mentions that it isn’t “all doom and gloom” for old people on the NHS, she laughs sarcastically.

We then see a BBC advert for a new Monkfish series: “John Actor is Inspector Laurence Llewelyn-Monkfish, a tough, uncompromising interior designer, in ‘Changing Monkfish.’” Monkfish walks into a crime scene, and proceeds to tell the police officers to turn the crime scene tape, blood and fingerprints into decorative patterns and motifs, before telling the female officer his usual line about putting on knickers and making him a cup of tea.

On Channel 9, we see an advert for ‘Futha Mukka’, a cleaning product. Mickey Disco then arrives and they sing a jingle as they and the backing dancers slide and fall over on the shiny clean floor.

The two gardeners are back sitting down and smoking as they chat. This time, they discuss yoga, which gets misheard as yoghurt; but that doesn’t matter, because they’re both bollocks.

In the arena, one of the gladiators is smashing the other in the head with a mace as he lies on the floor. The man on the floor takes his chance when the other roars in triumph and stabs in the groin with his sword.

In Colin’s living room, Doreen has fallen asleep. She is startled awake by Colin, who rushes up to her and offers her a drink from his trolley. Startled, Doreen takes a drink, and asks Colin if he’s having one. Colin replies that he can’t when he’s in control of a jumbo jet, and says, “don’t be ridiculous.” Doreen looks rather confused.

Tommy Cockles presents a clip from a 1954 Arthur Atkinson film, _King Arthur of the Jungle_ , a film that is rarely shown these days due to its racist attitudes (not that this ever bothered Tommy, who just thought it was rubbish). We see the clip, which follows Arthur and a fellow explorer walking through the jungle. They are then found by a ‘native’ tribe (actually a group of white men in blackface, one of whom is Tommy Cockles), who accept Arthur as their king. Arthur quickly goes off the idea of being their leader when it turns out there’s a tradition involving throwing the king into a volcano. He tries to abdicate, but he’s not allowed to.

The people from the Cheesy Peas advert are laughing at The Fast Show on the TV when a dishevelled astronaut runs into the room. He asks them where he is, what the year is and who the president is, before screaming and running away.

In the pub, Billy Bleach is announcing the pub quiz. He starts by running them through the rules (which include some very random and specific categories of questions), which mainly involves a very long list of people who aren’t allowed to do the quiz.

On Channel 9, the presenter announces a showing of an ‘opera Ruski’ called ‘Boris Ton Bastardo’. The opera is sponsored by Futha Mukka, which has obviously been used on the set of the frankly disturbing opera, because the actors can’t stop slipping and falling over on the shiny floor.

Back in the pub, Billy continues reading the exclusion list for the pub quiz.

In a department store, a sales assistant harasses a woman by offering her a painful looking device designed to get rid of cellulite. She doesn’t believe her when he woman says she doesn’t have cellulite, and even if she did, she wouldn’t hurt herself with the device to get rid of it. The sales assistant responds cynically, ending her tirade with her usual, “no offense.”

In the pub, Billy finishes his list of people who can’t enter his quiz. He then moves onto the first round (Current Affairs), and asks the first question, “Who is rumping Gary’s missus?” A man, presumably Gary, throws his beer in his face.

Slowly, as if he is in great pain, Jesse comes out of his shed. He leans against the door and sounds pained as he tells the camera that today’s excitement was having a coil fitted. He slowly makes his way back into the shed.

In a restaurant, a man and an old woman are having a meal. He wonders if love can be lovelier the second time around, only for the woman to sarcastically say, “Ha!”

At Swiss Toni’s Motors, Paul approaches Swiss and asks if he can leave early to go fishing. Swiss says he can, only to drag Paul around the showroom for ages as he tells him a longwinded allegory about how fishing is like making love to a beautiful woman. Eventually, Paul says that he would actually like to go fishing – and that he wants to go alone. Swiss stays in the showroom, and mentions, as he takes a copy of Playboy out of his draw, that you can also make love to a beautiful woman by yourself.

In a photography studio, Patrick Nice tells the camera about how he met Jerry Springer and went to stay with Jerry on the Riviera. So he flew down to the airport closest to the villa... “Which was Nice.”

Back in his living room, Colin stops narrating the ‘flight’ when he realises that Doreen has fallen asleep. He covers her with a blanket and decides to look up her skirt. At that exact moment, the computer beeps and Doreen wakes up. She is startled, but assures Colin that it’s all right, and he can look if he wants to.

In the arena, the gladiators are getting tired and more half-arsed in their fighting. This leads to them having a childish slap fight instead of actually using their weapons.

Unlucky Alf chats to the camera as he walks to the bus stop. He tells us about how he loves living where he does, and many people stop to talk to him. As he reaches the bus stop, Alf realises he has forgotten his pass and heads back home. When he reaches his house, he finds everyone vandalising his house and celebrating how much they hate him. And Alf looks so sad as he says, “oh, bugger.”

And then the closing credits begin. As the credits role, we see two more sketches: the gladiators still fighting (one of them knocks himself out with his own mace); and the people from the Cheesy Peas advert crying and vomiting as the voiceover again mentions their sponsorship for The Fast Show (and their website, which is xxx.bigknockershardcorecheesypeas.com).

* * *

 

Rating

Episode two of ‘The Last Fast Show Ever’ is as good quality as episode 1, but I can’t rate it 10/10 for two reasons. The first is that this episode doesn’t have any of my all time favourite sketches in it, and the second is that I find some of the sketches in this episode very difficult to watch.

For example: the Arthur Atkinson sketch is such a good parody of racist films that it’s cringy to watch; the Ted and Ralph sketch is painful as I feel so sorry for Ralph; the Colin Hunt sketch is horribly embarrassing on Colin’s behalf; the sketch with Unlucky Alf is really depressing, even for him; and the sketch with Archie is so sad it makes me want to cry. Whilst this isn’t a criticism, as it shows how well written those sketches are to get such a response from me, I do struggle to watch much of this episode without cringing or wanting to cry.

With these points in mind, I rate this episode 9/10.


	3. Part 3

The Last Fast Show Ever Part 3

Airdate: 28th December 2000

 

* * *

 

Sketches

Open on Jesse coming out of his shed. He grins as he says today’s experiment will be “teasing policemen”, before heading back into his shed.

Fade into the opening credits.

In the Competitive Dad’s household, it is Christmas. Simon comes into the living room and berates Toby and Peter for decorating the tree wrong. He sits down and reminisces about the amazing Christmases he had as a child, and says how he wants his sons to have similar memories. The doorbell rings, and Simon’s father arrives. He immediately starts telling the boys to do exactly what the Competitive Dad said not to, and sits down and talks about the awful Christmases they had when Simon was a boy. Simon looks rather uncomfortable with his father being in his home, but he still does everything he tells him to.

A young boy skateboards along the pavement as Chris the Crafty Cockney breaks into a car by smashing the window. The boy approaches him and asks him if he can look after his Pokémon cards while he skateboards, because he can’t trust his mates. Chris says that he can’t trust him either, and when the kid mentions that he’s an adult, he says he will nick the cards if he gives them to him. He boy laughs and says Chris is funny, to which Chris says he’s horrible, because he’s dodgy and a geezer. The boy keeps bugging him, and Chris gives in. The boy hands him the cards and he flicks through them, pocketing the cards he wants and chucking the ones he doesn’t on the ground. He reminds the boy that he said he would do this, and steals his skateboard as he walks off.

In a field, two men sit and chat as they smoke cigarettes. They discuss the film _Gladiator,_ and decide that “it’s all old bollocks”.

In Swiss Toni’s Motors, Swiss walks in with his arm in a sling. When Paul asks what has happened to him, he proceeds to tell Paul the story of how he was in a car crash (whilst also comparing the experience to making love to a beautiful woman and making the word ‘Volvo’ an innuendo) and also gives Paul advice to not light up a cigarette right after a car crash.

In the pub, Dave’s mates are waiting for him. Dave arrives, and has a problem with a bloke in the doorway in that they both keep stepping the wrong way and blocking each other. However, it soon becomes obvious that Dave is making the situation a lot more difficult than the other man. Eventually, Dave just yells to his friends that he’ll leave it, and walks off.

On a high building ledge, a suicidal man is approached by a policewoman. However, instead of talking the man down, she rambles on about how unattractive her outfit makes her look. Eventually, the man just jumps off the ledge. As he falls, she yells, “Oi! Does my bum look big in this?”

In the commentary box, the presenter chats to Ron and Tommy. They discuss the match, and Tommy mentions that, “it’s not over till it’s over.” He starts quoting song lyrics, which leads to Ron singing a strange montage of songs, which Tommy joins in with. The presenter shuts them up, and tries to get them back on track. Ron sighs and mentions that he doesn’t really care anymore, and is a bit fed up with the “endless punditry”. The presenter says he can’t stop now, because he hears he has a long TV career ahead of him. Ron asks what he’s implying, and the presenter says that he’s heard that Ron is leaving the BBC and joining lots of others at ITV. Tommy asks the presenter if his negotiations have broken down, to which the presenter reluctantly says yes. Ron starts to get melancholic, mentioning aging and mortality, and says, “To tell you the truth, I’m fed up, I’m shagged out, I’ve not got it in me anymore. So I thought I’d go over to ITV.” As Tommy and the presenter wish him good luck, Ron starts crying, and is only consoled when Tommy starts singing. The sketch ends with the three of them singing joyfully.

Behind the scenes of a film set, the producers chat to their actor, telling him that the stunt is completely safe and there’s nothing to worry about. They call over Chip the Stuntman and tell him to get changed into his costume. But Chip mishears “lunch at quarter past” as “punch the short-arse” and hits the actor around the face.

In the grounds of a manor house, Katie is stood with Johnny as he paints a portrait of the house owner. They discuss the painting and what colours to use, and Katie carefully steers the conversation away from anything to do with darkness or the colour black. In the background, a man walks past with a huge black dog, and Katie tries to discourage Johnny from painting the dog. She frantically describes the dog as blue and brown, only for the house owner to say, “It’s black.” This sends Johnny into his usual rage, which ends with Johnny’s trousers around his knees, the painting ruined and Katie preparing to stab Johnny with a massive needle.

At the Competitive Dad’s house, his father berates him as he calves the turkey, saying that he’s doing it wrong. He shoves him out of the way and does it himself.

On the BBC, the announcer describes the tribute to John Actor (who died last year) that will be shown later on. But then he introduces a trailer for Actor’s brand new series. The voiceover for the programme says, “Coming soon to the BBC, John Actor plays a tough, uncompromising, dead Scottish detective in ‘McMonkfish’.” We then see a clip of bizarre programme featuring police officers discussing people who have been murdered, whilst talking in weird Scottish accents.

In a department store, a woman is harassed by a sales assistant, who insists that she sits down and listens to her even though she is in a hurry. The assistant tells her about a new range of makeup whilst putting cream on her face, and tells her it’s perfect for her because it’s obvious that she isn’t making the best of herself. After insulting her further (and wondering if the woman is a lesbian), she says, “no offense”.

Jesse comes out of his shed and says that today’s experiment is “leaning how to give head”, before going back inside.

In his lab, Denzil Dexter shows us the simple equation 2+3=5, but says that this isn’t the only form of maths. And, using a weird new type of maths, he shows that 2+3=-46. He explains how this maths, called Dexter Math, will open up a whole new world of possibilities. When asked how Dexter Math works, he explains that it works on the power of the imagination. He thinks hard, and concludes that the equation equals -46 again.

After his usual opening scene, we see Dave Angel urinating against a tree. Dave walks along a country lane as he rants about how he doesn’t like genetically modified food. He says about how it is playing with nature, and how doing that can cause any sort of weird things to happen. Suddenly, Shirley rushes out of the bushes, yelling that her arse has just been stung by stinging nettles. Dave tells her to put her arse away, and she yells that, “I’m stung on my bleeding arse, babe!”

Back at the Competitive Dad’s house, his father tells him off for pulling a cracker incorrectly. He demonstrates by pulling one with Louise, his wife, and makes an innuendo about Simon’s wife pulling his cracker. He then says the crackers are useless, and goes to get some better ones from his car.

The 13th Duke of Wybourne wonders how he ended up in the changing rooms of the lingerie department with his reputation. But he still groans lecherously and says that he’s “coming in dry”.

A couple get into the back of a taxi. However, it soon becomes apparent that the two men are completely oblivious to what the woman is saying, repeating what she has just said herself whilst being sexist about her appearance. She wonders if either of them can hear what she’s saying.

As he takes photographs in a studio, Patrick Nice discusses a wedding that he went to. Whilst he was there, Damien Hirst shat in his pocket... “Which was nice.”

In Australia, Carl Hooper starts to present _That’s Amazing!_ when the astronaut runs onto the set and asks him his usual set of frantic questions.

Rowley Birkin sits at his piano as he mumbles his way through a strange medley of Christmas songs and an even stranger set of anecdotes. His song ends with him saying that he was “very, very drunk”, and the sketch ends with the following words appearing on screen: Rowley Birkin QC (1918-2000).

In Colin Hunt’s office, he comes and chats to Doreen, and wonders what she means when she says the place will be quiet without him. After injuring himself walking into the doorframe, Colin is approached by their boss. Colin messes around in the office whilst not listening to the boss, who keeps trying to talk to him seriously about the fact that Colin is being fired. Eventually, he just comes out and says Colin is fired, and Colin panics, begging him not to fire him. Out in the corridor, Doreen and the others are holding a banner, revealing to the audience that they’re playing a joke on Colin. In the office, Colin tells the boss to fire Doreen instead, and then the others, telling him about bad things they have all done. Colin gets aggressive and admits to the bad things he did while he was working there, such as stealing petty cash. He then leaves the office and sees the banners, and the boss says, “April fool.” Colin tries to bluff his way out of the situation, but eventually just runs away.

Tommy Cockles presents a clip of _Ooh, Arthur!_ , an Arthur Atkinson film. Tommy explains how, like all films of the time, the comedy was interrupted by pointless song and dance numbers. However, Arthur’s bad singing voice meant he was made to mime to Dickie Stipple, a popular tenor at the time. He also mentions how the film was controversial, due to Arthur casting his niece in the leading role. Tommy tells us to judge for ourselves, and that he thinks the film was very poor. We then see the clip, which features Arthur being creepy and making innuendos with pieces of fruit. The music suddenly starts, and Arthur mimes badly and very out of synch to the singer, whose voice sounds nothing like him. He also tap dances on grass, and drops his niece at the end of the song when the music stops and he walks off.

Back at the Competitive Dad’s house, his father shows an old home movie of him when Simon was very young. The video shows him being very competitive and thrashing Simon at a swimming race. He then complains about the whiskey.

In their pub, Ralph sits down opposite Ted and hands him a drink. Ralph talks about Ted’s loss since his wife’s death, and tries to say about how life goes on after someone dies. He tries to make their night fun, but Ted keeps reminiscing about Mrs Ted. They drink their whiskey, and Ralph immediately looks rather drunk.

In a field, the two men turn their discussion to ‘Rosemary Conley’s Hip and Thigh Diet’, and decide that that is bollocks too.

In a tailors’, Ken approaches a man and proceeds to ask him about if he was out with a lady, whilst the man stands there looking unimpressed. The man says that he’s gay, and Ken immediately looks terrified. He calls for Kenneth to help, but Kenneth yells back that he’s hiding and not coming out. “I’m not coming out either,” Ken says awkwardly as he moves away from the man.

At the Competitive Dad’s house, they are playing Trivial Pursuit. His father snaps at him when he gives the wrong answer, and moans about how useless Simon is. Toby checks the card and notices that Simon was actually right, and his father was cheating. He says he can’t speak to Simon like that, because he’s his son. Simon’s father says he’s obviously not welcome and leaves the house. Simon then turns to Toby and tells him off for talking to his father like that. But then he breaks down and hugs Toby as he says, “I love you, son.”

Back in the pub, Ralph is looking drunker than ever as he babbles to Ted that he knows someone who can fill the hole in his life that Mrs Ted left. He says that Ted isn’t an old man, but even if he was old, he would still love... Ralph realises what he’s saying and says he would love to get some more drinks. Ralph gets up and leaves, and Ted’s friends sit down at the table, asking Ted how he’s been. In the background, they hear Ralph on the karaoke machine, dedicating the song to “someone very special.” He proceeds to sing ‘Burning Love’ whilst Ted looks horrified and Ted’s friends laugh. However, they are soon all into the song, with Ted’s friends grinning and nodding to the music and Ted smiling fondly at Ralph.

The closing credits play over the scene of Ralph singing the song whilst everyone in the pub cheers and claps along to the music.

We then see several more short sketches: the Brilliant Kid saying how goodbyes are brilliant; Dave Angel waving goodbye to the camera; Chris the Crafty Cockney waving goodbye (and calling the policeman holding him a wanker); a man running towards the camera and saying “you ain’t seen me, right?”; Ted and Ralph grinning and skipping hand in hand through a meadow; a montage of characters smiling and laughing; Jesse putting a SOLD sign on the front of his shed; another montage of characters; Paul taking Swiss Toni back inside after Swiss keeps spinning a sign around again and again; Jesse driving off in a posh car with a woman by his side; Jesse’s car driving past Ted and Ralph, who wave as they sit on a gate; and the two men in a field discussing sweetbreads (“I like ‘em.” “And I do. They’re all right, aren’t they?”).

 

* * *

 

Rating

Most series are flagging by the end of their run, but _The Fast Show_ never did. This final episode proves this by having the series end on a very high note. The sketches are as good as they always were, and this episode includes some really sweet scenes (such as the Competitive Dad finally showing he cares about Toby, and the entire plot of the Ted and Ralph sketches) that show, again, how successful this series has been at adding depth to its characters.

And, after all, it’s impossible to give the episode that finally gets Ted and Ralph together anything less than full marks, is it not?

Therefore, this episode gets a 10/10.


End file.
